Steel Whips

[Mors Profundis]

Today, prompted by the bullyragging of my hideous spouse, I set to clearing out some of my little storage containers.
Behold, I found my SIPO truncheon, which I had thought lost to the ages-knew it was around, didn't know where-and the East German steel whip I got from the Sportsman's Guide a while back.
Quickly bashing the old harridan across her pie-'ole when she tried to stop me, I escaped into my lab, locked the door, and let Rag-Bat, the Amazing Foaming Biddy natter away, unheard.
I began the painstaking process of evaluation which is the hallmark of Profundus Laboratories.
I considered using the demonolaitrous old hag as a test subject, however, cooler heads prevailed(the dog growled at me), and I assembled an array of inamimate objects.
For control, I had a telescoping baton, an array of blackjacks and saps from my days as a copper, and a wooden Baltimore Police Department espantoon.
At Profundus Labs, we use a special scale to measure the effectiveness of impact weapons, the Scunnion Table.
This is simple:
Scunnion-hurts like bejabbers
Major Scunnion-hurts, raises multicolored hickies, and causes brief incapacitation
Hellish Scunnion-pain, incapacitation, bruises, contusions and hairline fractures.
Humongous Scunnion-danger of death, something so cruel it would have made Himmler weep in sympathy, possibility of a bloody pulp(The only weapon to earn this rating was a sash weight on two foot of half inch manilla.).
The results are in, both truncheons trunched to a tie, just at the edge of the Hellish Scunnion rating-call it Major Scunnion Plus.
Soon I hope to test the other types available(the old Blitz whip was deemed to wimpy to be included.
The blackjacks did quite well, especially the old Bucheimer Big John slapjack, which is eighteen inches long and weighs in at a pound and a half, and earned a Hellish plus rating.
The espantoon and the telescoping baton held their own, but scored no spectacular results.
(If that goon that Tonya Harding conned intodoing her dirty work had been equipped with a SIPO or the BJ slapjack, Nancy Kerrigan would be fronting for the March of Dimes!).
Call the Sportsman's Guide, real quick, and get one of those German whips before they sell out!
Sadly, I must close, as the auld vettle has begun to batter at the lab door with a sawed-off tree trunk,howling about scrubbing the bathroom floor, even though I yell,"Ah, batten yer gob, ya ratbag!" very loudly.
One of these days, old woman, a trip to the moon!!!!

[Vagrant]

I would add Funny Scunnion - the jerk had it coming so completely all the witnesses laughed at him [Funny+ - he was not conscious to hear the laughter ]

[Mors Profundis]

I've seen that.
If Rodney King had run over a little girl just before the cops lumped up on him, it would have been a different story.
But, fair is fair, and putting a hurt on someone just because the damn well deserve it is not considered fair-and never was.
Sad, that.

[DISTORTION]

Ahh..Yer killin me! ''Batten yer gob ya RATBAG''

And I do dig the Hella-Scullion testing

[Mors Profundis]

"Shut yer pie-'ole", "put a sock in it", "stifle yourself" and even "Ah, go suck an egg", sadly, they have little effect on the heinous old bat.
"Why don't you kiss a light socket" stilled her screeching for a brief period, but that was only while she was franticly searching for something to throw at me.
The Profundus Scunnion Scale was nominated for a Nobel Prize in science two years ago, sadly it was proposed by Iraq at the insistance of Saddam Hussein and his sons.
It didn't win.
More form the Labs very soon.
"Profundus Laborotories-trauma is our product, our only product"
We make personal airships,nuclear powered joy buzzers,head crushing machines and steam powered pocket calculators, among other things for a good life.
We make them the only way we know how, as fast and as cheap as possible!"

[Diggaway]

Mors you make my sides hurt.
She must love you dearly--if you called her "Angel"would she keep on harping?
A friend,now single,recommended"shutup or I"ll braid yer tits"
How do you reverse engineer a traumatic production?

[Vagrant]

I tend to be gentle with females but, I have asked obnoxious males, "Is it really true, no-one ever killed you before"

[Mors Profundis]

If women didn't have c**ts, they'd be hunted for bounty.
Dolorous news from the lab-the steel whip arrived, and in fact had only a spring section, not the solid bar I'd hoped for.
Trick of the light in the phpto.
On the bright side, the button on the end is indeed steel.
A few tests reveal that it will chop a five inch gash in a cardboard carton, shatter a beer bottle with a single whack(My shoulder is sore from a fall this winter, and I really couldn't put all the gee-whiz into the blow I normaly dispose of-still, bang-fragments.).
The real test is a plastic bottle with three or four quarts of water in it.
The human head weighs about eight pounds, a pint of water weighs a pound, human head and gallon of water are very similar.
(To simulate my wife's head, I put in a few rocks).
Always allow test targets to stand free, as backed against a solid surface will give a skewed result and a bent truncheon.
The OSS used these things in WWII, and that means they had the seal of approval of William Fairbairn, the hand-to-hand maven of the agency.
He was an ex-Shanghai copper, who ran the riot squad.
No end of practical experience, beating the pee-pee out of Triad 49's unlucky enough to cross his path.
(During the Second World War, the OSS used to send trainees to Baltimore on a fake mission, where Baltimore cops would "catch" them and rough them up.
One trainee was badly injured by the cops sent to give him the lesson, when they got to enjoying themselves too much.
The next "Trainee" was Fairbairn-two words-early retirement).
This one is not "floaty", and arrives with some authority.
One must remember that this is a whip, and not a rod-much difference.
Wish someone would tell Cold Steel that I'm not a total gazooney-my improvement on the design might be worth a small experiment(fer cri-yi, maybe fifty bucks, a carriage bolt, a nut?).
This can be a fierce weapon.

[Vagrant]

Theree are so many ways to produce "blunt tauma" that a PHD could be recieved on the topic If terrorists, child molesters, muggers, rapists, and fanatics of all kinds were used as test subjects, the world would be a better place

[Mors Profundis]

They are-it's called resisting arrest.
I really think I may be on to something, Mr. V, what do you think?
I respect your opinion, none higher.

[Vagrant]

They are-it's called resisting arrest.
I really think I may be on to something, Mr. V, what do you think?
I respect your opinion, none higher.

Just try to figure out ways around that "due process" sillyness and chose live [lowlife ] test sujects. Then post your results Have links for photos so the scientific minded can see for themselves the effectiveness of various items What a service to mankind

[Mors Profundis]

I may yet try it out on that pizen-tongued woman I married in a fit of weakness.
I'm doing the plastic bottle test this afternoon, letcha know what I find out.

[Mors Profundis]

Burst a pinhole in the free standing 3 liter bottle, smashed a free standing beer bottle to smithereens.
As previously stated, these things are to be respected, they can really bring scunnion.
Still want one with a solid last section, though, as it might be capable of the ultimate challenge-whacking the neck off of a free standing bottle and leaving the rest of the bottle still standing.
That's a whack!

[tr4252]

Mors,

This is some great topic you started. I've been passing it by for some time now, because steel whips don't really interest me, but noticed its length and longevity, so looked in tonight out of curiosity.

Really like your style; the entry about respect was memorable, as is your wit. I had no idea, but have noticed your comments in the past. If I was a publisher I'd be trying to convince you to write, if you don't already; you're something like Douglas Adams, one of my all time favorites, but with a little more darkness and "edge". And a more relevant message, I think.

I fully agree with the philosophical principles you've expressed, though have distanced myself from weapons as much as possible over the last 25 years or so. But I'd be among the first to concede that the "street" will seek one out from time to time, despite our best efforts, and also that some situations cannot be ignored by a person of good conscience. So I feel that both strength and wisdom are necessary components of a complete personality.

I think you'd make a great advisor to many of the leaders of the free and not so free world.

TR

[DISTORTION]

RATBAG

truncheon Scunnion-scunnion

MEEEEan Streeets.......

Throw that toyswitch down and claim defense,
Who else knows you can burst a sodajug backhand?